


Six Months

by hojo



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hojo/pseuds/hojo
Summary: Is it too soon? It is too much?





	

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language.
> 
> This is not like my other fics... SORRY IF YOU HATE IT.

It's been six months since getting shot, since the motel, since Ryan kidnaped them. Since Anne died. Since it all ended. Six months of trying. Trying to be happy. Normal. Together.

What Lukas doesn’t say when he comes over is that this is the last time. The back and forth is taxing, too much for him. Philip tries, and he fails. He tries, and Philip fails. It isn’t even a fail, but he feels like it is.

Is it too much? Too soon? Lukas doesn’t know.

They’re lying on their side, knees bent and locking together, kissing slowly. This part is the good part, the part that makes everything disappear. The part that happens right before the guilt and anger come rushing back in. They’ve been here before. And then one of them abruptly ends things. 

This time it’s Philip.

Philip tilts his head backward, breaking the kiss. He watches Lukas chase after him before Lukas realizes what’s going on. Philip sighs the moment Lukas opens his eyes.

“I want. I want to make you feel good, but I don't know how,” Lukas whispers.

“Are you-are you asking me to show you?” Philip asks.

Lukas flushes at the thought of watching Philip touch himself. They’ve had sex, yes. Once. But that was six months ago. And that was because they thought they were going to die. Now death is more of a painful memory that they can’t seem to find a way out of.

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I'm not sure what I mean. I just. I just the last time we, um, it didn't end well.”

“Oh.” Philip frowns. He starts to sit up, and Lukas moves with him until he’s straddling Philip’s lap. He knows they both were virgins, but he never put much thought into if he was good or not.

“That's not. That's not what I mean. I-I mean…” Lukas’ voice cracks. And a little part of Philip cracks with him. “With Ryan. With your mom. I don't want. There are bad memories. But not about, you know. But what came after. So I don't want to do anything that will bring that up again. But I want to. I mean, if you want to. I'd like to. We stop because we can’t. And I understand. I stop, too.” Lukas pauses and runs a hand over his face. “Why is this so hard?”

Philip plays with his hands, refusing to look at Lukas. But he doesn’t need to see Lukas to know, to feel, to understand. 

“Because my mom died while we were having sex.”

“Philip, I-I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up. It’s not. I don’t want to pressure you into anything, into talking. I just want.” Lukas shakes his head. He doesn’t know what he wants, what he’s saying. This is why he doesn’t talk. He never knows what to say. He thought he was getting better, and then Ryan took that all away. But he never brings up what he lost. Never will ever compare to losing your parent.

“It's okay. We're okay.” Philip looks at Lukas then. “There isn’t any pressure. I want… I want to. I’m just scared. I’m scared of being happy.”

“Philip-”

“I’m scared of forgetting. I’m scared of remembering.”

Lukas takes Philip’s hand. “It’s okay.”

“I want it to be.”

“It will.”

“We can’t stop trying. Promise me, Lukas.”

Lukas doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to hurt Philip. He loves him, but he also doesn’t want to lose them, what they have, no matter how shitty it started. But if Philip doesn’t ever want to stop trying then he won’t either. No matter how hard it is on him.

“I promise.”

Philip nods once, a determined look in his eyes. Philip slides down the bed until he’s flat on his back, and then pulls Lukas to him.

And so they start again. It’s slow just like it always is.

The drag of Lukas’ fingers under Philip’s shirt. The weight of their tongue. The push and pull of their bodies. 

And then memories resurface again. 

The cabin.

All their lies.

Tracy. 

Tommy.

Rose.

Lukas getting shot. 

Anne dying alone. 

Ryan shoving them into the trunk of the car. 

Helen killing Ryan.

Anne’s funeral.

Philip tries his hardest, but no amount of kissing, touching, trying can stop the tears from coming, can stop the overwhelming guilt from dragging him under. He focuses on the heaviness of Lukas’ body, the feel of him pressing down on every part of him. The sensation he gets from their lips touching. Philip spends so much time concentrating on blocking out the past that he ends up just lying there, hands to his sides, not moving, not kissing back. 

“Philip? Oh god.” Lukas pulls off of him. Philip wraps his arms around Lukas and stops him from getting too far. 

“I'm okay. I just.” Philip doesn’t know what to say. Maybe if he keeps saying “it’s okay” it will actually be okay. Maybe not. There are no guidelines for what they went through. And even if there are, he isn’t sure they’ll work.

Lukas presses his body to Philip's, and nudges Philip's cheek with his nose and then drags his nose down Philip’s cheek to his throat. 

“I know,” he whispers. “I know.” Because of course he knows. He has a bullet-shaped scar to prove he understands. “I have you.”

Philip starts to cry unreservedly, trembling a little.

“It's okay. It's okay.” Lukas cups Philip's cheek, wiping away his tears. “We're…” Lukas doesn’t finish his thought. 

We’re here. 

We’re together. 

We’re alive. 

Philip stares up at Lukas through his wet eyelashes. “We’re okay.” 

And Lukas’ nods, sitting back on his heels.

Philip pulls up his shirt to wipe his face off. And then pulls his shirt off the rest of the way.

“Yes,” is all Philip says.

Lukas places a kiss on the center of Philip’s chest. 

I'm sorry. 

He kisses where Philip’s heart is. 

I'm sorry. 

He kisses each one of Philip’s ribs. 

I'm sorry. 

Lukas kisses Philip’s skin, harder, deeper, trying to kiss away the hurt, the memories, knowing he will never be able to undo all that they've been through, all that he's put Philip through.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Because words are not enough. Because words are too much.  


Lukas dragged his teeth along Philip’s hipbone, then kisses away the reddening marks he leaves behind. He drags his lips lower, kisses Philip’s dampening skin every once and a while. Philip writhes, stomach tightening and pulsating. They can do this. They can have this. Lukas ghosts his lips along Philip’s length, looking up at Philip, who suddenly slaps his hands over his eyes. Out of embarrassment? Out of guilt? Philip isn’t sure. Lukas isn’t sure.

Lukas pulls back instantly.  


"Hey, hey. It's okay." Lukas moves, slowly, cautiously until he’s hovering above Philip’s face. "I'm here. We don’t need to."

Philip moves his hands and slowly places his warm palms on either side of Lukas' face, bringing him closer. “I want to.”

Lukas tests Philip, unsure what's okay and what isn't. He moves his body until he lying on top of Philip, but prepares himself to pull off of him at any sighting of discomfort. 

"I know. I'm here, too, I promise. I'm sorry it's... I'm sorry I'm taking so long. You probably want to get the show on the road," Philip tries to joke. 

Lukas shakes his head, bumping their noses together. "You wait for me. I'll wait for you. That’s how this goes. This doesn’t matter how long it takes. Or it we can never… again."

Philip moves his fingers delicately along Lukas' cheeks, his nose, eyelids, lips. "I want this with you." 

"I want this with you." 

They don’t say a word. They don’t move. They simply look at each other for what feels like forever.

Philip titled his hips up slightly and tries to smile, but his lip trembles. 

"Philip-" 

"It’s not because of what happened. It was, but now it’s not. It's not that. It's. This is. This is different. This feels different than the first time." Philip’s cheeks color red. 

"I know what you mean."

Lukas slides his hands under Philip’s lower back, trying to bring them even closer. He moves his hands down to Philip's hips and presses him into the mattress. Philip tilts his head back and moans softly. Lukas stills. He hasn’t heard that sound since the motel. It’s almost as if the last six months robbed him of this feeling, of Philip.

Lukas never thought he would be here. Never thought he would be the type to hold someone when they cried. The type that his partner locks eyes with while they have sex. The type that went slow, soft. The kind of someone who was careful and gentle. He didn't think he could have that, this, that he be that kind of person. But he could with Philip.

 

Philip settles against the mattress, his back pushes against Lukas’ chest. Lukas' arm instinctively drapes around Philip.

“She would want me to be happy. I know she would.” Philip interlocks their fingers. “And I am happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I didn't make Lukas or Philip seem like an asshole. There was no pressure to have sex. They both wanted to be together but were afraid.


End file.
